November 25, 2008
Dear Universe,
If I wasn’t so nervous about this I think it would be easy to write my story. But for some reason I’m feeling blocked and guarded about becoming a student. I’m tense and confused about my lack of confidence. And while I know these fears are baseless, I wonder how badly I will choke in performance.
But I digress, I suppose all I need is to just write the damn thing.
July 30, 2008
While my professional life has been dedicated to cultural collision, I live in a permanent state of that collision everyday in a biracial family. My husband is a Black American and we have two biracial children, Malcolm Ernesto (3) and Kaya Simone (1). While we are relatively isolated, every so often our little unit encounters the world and their assumptions of us. Developing from these moments, my ultimate stereotype is that Black women passionately disapprove of my family. While I have tried and failed to have intelligible conversations about this with my husband or friends, I am hoping to get some clarity by addressing this in my paper. First I will analyze how this stereotype came to be; secondly, focusing on my direct and indirect experiences that supported this stereotype. Next, the impact this stereotype has on me. And finally, the impact of this stereotype has on Black women.
Specifically, it feels like I did something wrong when we encounter Black women in public. As if walking with my partner and our two beautiful children is an offensive attack. I react to the contentiousness with an unconstructive attitude that only perpetuates the belief.
It is a stereotype that has elevated our defensiveness in public and has distinct ramifications for each member of my family.
By nature of a stereotype, I know that blanket generalization is false and have personal evidence through the strong Black women who are part of our constellation of support. But that doesn’t change how the stereotype continues to affect me as a filter by which I engage Black women, and the Black community in general.
I worked as a professional Filip ino for 7 years, using arts as a vehicle to drive cross cultural community building. Before that, I was a student activist focused on educational access and ethnic studies who was trained to facilitate human relations dialogue through the Natio nal Confere nce of Com munity and Ju stice (NcC J, previously known as the Nat ional Confere nce of Chri stians and Je ws). I have dedicated my life to social justice and am currently working as a Program Manager for the Pu blic Al lies Lo s An geles, a national Americorps based model that is a local affiliate of the Com munity Develop ment Tech nologies Cen ter. My job encompasses training our Fellows about Power, Privilege and Oppression in the context of the inequities created by our current social and historical constructs. In fact, I am currently part of a team of Adjunct Faculty at Los Ang eles Tr ade Techn ical Co llege adapting our model for delivery to 9th graders at Sa ntee Edu cational Com plex, through a breakthrough initiative looking to reform the So uth LA community on multiple levels. While my pedigree demonstrates a different level of understanding of the issues of intercultural communication, it doesn’t pull me off the hook or make me innocent in participating in it.
July 30, 2008
I’m sure you already know how much I appreciate you. In the great scheme of my short history, you are one of the stars in the constellation that has guided my way. I’m sure you already have an inkling of how much you have done to singlehandedly affect the course of my life. From your corner in the world, no matter how far the center of that world travels to and away from me, how forever I will be in your debt because of it.
Those moments on the balcony, overlooking the glorious metro-burg that is the city of our angels, overlooking the hill you tried to kill us on (if only our false selves, of course) and under the influence of so many inebriants; your influence is insidious. before i knew it, i was doing exactly what you wanted me to do. You seem to have the same talent as Traci in getting people to do things they didn’t think they wanted to do.
Anyway, i just think you’re swell. I’m gonna save the critical stuff for later, cuz I still gotta get you to post me to the Writers Workshop first.
V
July 30, 2008
the other day those dammmmm kids at school asked me straight up why I care and I almost wasn’t sure why.
but now i get it. I care from a heavy deep place when it comes to other people. but when it comes from taking care of my own stuff I give myself the once over. No one discounts me like me.
now that the age of adulthood has descended, do i really have much choice anymore? i can’t be bitching that its anyone else’s fault for much longer.
I gotta do some life strategic planning, and soon!
V
July 30, 2008
What an great way to welcome you to my life! For the first time in over 3 years I spent the WHOLE weekend catching up with friends, family, and my husband having fun and being young. Friday at Dinner with Kat, Cheryl, Alfie, Melany, Victor, Alfie’s myspace hubby Anthony, Glenda, Joel, Jilly and Laiya. That night at Firecracker with Cheryl, Mel, Vic, Lainey and Mike. Saturday night with JJ at GLOW, 230am on a ferris wheel. The next morning rushing around to stand in line at Magic. Office ice cream cake on Tuesday, Dinner with the FAM too. Then the Hollywood Bowl with Alison, Ellen and Jason.
I like being 30.
V
July 30, 2008
“The trouble is that once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And once you’ve seen it, keeping quiet, saying nothing, becomes as political an act as speaking out. There is no innocence. Either way, you’re accountable.” – Arundhati Roy
I am returning to school after 6 years of direct, on the job learning. Having committed to the nonprofit sector so early on, I learned that becoming a community leader takes much more than being able to accomplish a goal, it requires striving for personal mastery, being committed to honest self-reflection and constantly building relationships with others who can guide you back to the truth. I feel that I am an excellent candidate for the Mille nnium Mom entum Schola rship because I have the professional experience, the personal commitment and the academic values that represent the Best & Brightest.
I was initiated into community work as a high school participant of the Brothe rhood Sister hood Ca mp, a week-long human relations workshop developed by the Los Angeles chapter of the Nati onal Con ference of Commu nity and Jus tice. For 3 years, I learned facilitation and workshop presentation which inspired my commitment to youth advocacy. As a young person, poetry and art was a positive outlet to make sense of the world. It eventually compelled me to produce events for the purpose of building community. I found that in the exchange and discourse of performance, a new paradigm and culture was created that challenged the status quo of disconnection and hyper-individualism that I feel is a barrier to creating common ground. For me, art is political and an influential tool in affecting change. I invested 7 years in the Fe stival of Phil ippine Arts & Culture because it was a microcosm of the dialogue surrounding empowerment, equity, social construction and multiculturalism. Starting as a volunteer curator, I had the opportunity to eventually direct the Festival’s entire performance program of 75 acts over two days on two stages for 3 years. I accepted a full time position administering Eskuw ela Kult ura (an afterschool arts and cultural tolerance program) and Pil ipino Arti st Net work (a statewide infrastructure building group initiated by the Ca lifornia Arts Coun cil), integrating these with the Festival over the course of my 4 years at Fil AM AR TS.
Because I was one of two staff at Fil AM AR T S, I was challenged to take different roles that stretched my comfort zone and exponentially impacted my learning. In 2003, the State of Calif ornia nearly defunded the Califo rnia Ar ts Cou ncil, a highly politicized and controversial move because it had begun a process of redistributing its funds to more equitably represent the state’s population. The CA C funded almost 50 percent of the organization’s activities and without these funds the Festival was in danger of being closed regardless of the high marks from the Ci ty of L.A.’s Dep artment of Cult ural A ffairs and the vote of confidence of funders such as the Ford Foundation. This also meant that there would be cash flow problems that guaranteed consistently late pay. I stayed committed and volunteered for the Business and Marketing responsibilities of the Festival and raised 200% more earned income and expanded the audience to make up for the loss in grant revenue. Because of my efforts, the organization now only depends on government grants for 15% of its funding. Additionally, I co-produced 4 arts advocacy radio shows for Az iatik Ryt hms on KPF K 90.7FM in order to bring attention to the disproportionate effect that the funding cuts would have on ethnic communities in California.
While I was exploring how to build figurative community spaces, the chasm created by the politics of public spending deeply affected and inspired me to focus on financial sustainability. I sensed that there was a lot more to learn about how to affect real and sustainable change and it became imperative for me to go back to school, finish my degree and reconsider my professional goals. I explored various business models, obtaining a real estate sales license and instituted methods I learned to strengthen the Festival and build upon its existing assets and stakeholders. Academically, I chose the Pu blic Sect or Man agement program at C SU North ridge in order to demystify the public policy process through a combination of management, communications and political science courses that complemented my nonprofit career. Professionally, I felt it was time to explore how else I could be useful in pushing for social change and was fortunate to find a position that is the perfect convergence of my past experiences and future goals. I am currently a Program Manager for the nationally renowned Pu blic All ies Los An geles (PAL A) program, I am responsible for recruiting, managing and coaching emerging young adult leaders and building networks with partner organizations who share in our vision of social change. Through Publi c Alli es’ affiliate partner, Com munity Devel opment Techn ologies (C DTech), I am assisting the creation of a leadership development and nonprofit careers curriculum for 9th grade students in San tee H.S. Located in one of the most underserved areas in Los Angeles, Sa ntee students come from the historic Vern on Cen tral jazz corridor community. After I complete the PS M program, I eventually aim to get involved in the field of community economic development and continue on to a graduate degree in Urban Planning .
Being chosen for the Millen nium Momen tum Be st & Brig htest Sch olarship will directly contribute to my commitment to the community. While the Pu blic Secto r Ma nagement program affords me the benefits of a relevant education, the experience of seasoned public sector employees in my cohort, and a structure that enables me to stay committed to working in the community full time, it is more than twice the cost of the traditional tuition. Additionally, I’m raising a family with two toddlers on my single income, while my husband and I pursue full time degrees. Though I’ve always worked while going to school, the costs of raising a family has made us very dependent on student loans to finance my education. Besides helping to allay the cost of my program, being chosen as one of the Bes t & Bright est scholars would be a deep honor and vote of confidence for me.
July 30, 2008
first posted months ago…
The trouble is that once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And once you’ve seen it, keeping quiet, saying nothing, becomes as political an act as speaking out. There is no innocence. Either way, you’re accountable.”
- Arundhati Roy
Young and idealistic, I wanted to believe that I can change the world. I wanted t o make a difference, i wanted to find a home, i wanted to undo the tangled messes and rearrange it into an order that makes sense for others. I’ve thrown myself at causes, committed to working for the community, running my life as if it were a roll of accounting paper on an ancient calculator. But it wasn’t until I understood how public policy affected my life that all of these good intentions began to make realistic sense.
See, I was that typical girl who bought into what I was taught. If I worked hard enough, if i was smart enough, if i played it right then I would get what i deserved. Unfortunately, over and over again when I was growing up nothing worked this clearly or linearly. By 11, I thought i would escape the shame and ugliness of my family’s immigrant experience by going to college. By 16, the careful little world I created bottomed out when I discovered that I was undocumented. The 3.8 gpa, the a.p. classes, the cultural club, the leadership team, and the volunteer work that was supposed to groom me for another life meant nothing. So i did a stint as one of those typical rebelllious teenagers, staying out with questionable people doing things I shall not recount. I was angry and i didn’t know what to do with myself. I had a choice to make so I thought maybe I will get comfortable with the idea that I might have to go back to a country I had no recollection of. I figured, what the hell, might as well figure out what this being Filipino meant. At that point in my life I had no freakin clue who I was and what the hell was going on with me. I spent a ton of time online when there was nothing but AOL communities. I met hella people who taught me that being filipino was nothing to be ashamed of, that it had a value I was never taught. I found history and art and people who led me to waters I’ve never tasted. I wanted more and decided I’d go hang out at CSUN to see what their filipino club was about. besides, this guy i dated had beef with FASA and I figured it would be fun to get back at him by becoming one of them.
Now, I know this is sounding a bit cheeky and glib. But i don’t know how else to tell the story. i am a product of the universe conspiring to show me where I need to be. I can’t say that I was ever really serious about wanting to be an inspirational person. you have these feelings like i’m destined for greatness, but you never really want to tell anyone because they’ll think you’re an arrogant prick. anyway, all i know is that i wanted to push myself to do more because i liked the feeling that i was learning something new.
so i kept following the open doors. i did all these things for csu n fa sa that i can list list list, but would be boring. i did summer activi st training with p w c; i did summer pr ogram for enrich ment and learnin g with S i Pa, i burned out and got depressed depressed depressed. i did group therapy, took pills for anxiety and grief, smoked hella, drank like a fish, slipped into a bit of a well of self-deprecation. then i decided i’d stop feeling sorry for myself and start living and expanding my worldview.
and the world changed itself accordingly.
i found the festival. i found amazing people that i actually looked up to. folks who did things for the right reason, lived in ways that felt like it was honest and upfront, soul searching individuals who showed me what it was to live whole, and not broken. these people saved my life. they showed me that life is bigger if i made it so. i felt like i was bigger than the feelings, the circumstances, the bullshit. it was in alignment.
so i spent 7 years there. unraveling, making sense o things.
it was amazing. it convinced me that i could make space for a child, for a family that i can create. it made me do things I never thought i would ever be capable of. it put me on the same level as people i looked up to. i was just like them; bigger than the bullshit, doing things i believed in, impacting the lives of others in a way that was in alignment.
my entire political consciousness was developed during this time. …..
..
part 2 coming shortly..
July 30, 2008
If you only knew how amazing the youth were, I’m sure you’d put aside your professional aspirations and do your jobs well. I’ve only been in class for 5 weeks, very tumultuous weeks, but I’ve seen a breadth of understanding and context that I don’t think you see, ever. Otherwise you would stop thinking the answer is in administration. You’d realize that if you only listened to them, how much you’d get from them. They need guidance not policy. Teachers are some of the most amazing people and i have a new found respect for those of them who do their jobs well.
VVL
July 30, 2008
I’m really disappointed in your decision to not award me because in all honesty I believe I am the best and brightest in your pool of candidates. My sense of entitlement comes from my firm knowledge of having paid big dues in proving my commitment to serving the public, strong leadership potential, exceptional academic merit and financial need; all factors you say I need to have. You even invited me to interview for 15-20 minutes, to prove this case and on all points I am confident that I did a superior job. After three weeks of not knowing and wondering and maybe a little internal boastfulness, I thought I was a shoe in. But you thought otherwise.
Now I postulate about what made you come to the conclusion that I was not scholarship material. WAs it because I have nearly 10 years of professional experience doing exactly waht you claim to provide? Could it be that I was already doing the work you wanted to teach me? I could maybe understand that. Equity considerations lead me to think, if she doesn’t need it then it should go to someone who does. Perhaps I didn’t convey better my need. It may be a little too late for this, but in all honesty, my ego needs to put it out there.
I have never in my life been a recipient of charity. I have earned every ounce of respect I am due through my own sweat and dilligence. I am a little butt hurt that your decision has lead me to wonder my worth. Bottomline, as a single income family struggling to get ourselves on our feet by obtaining degrees that open the door to our long term sustainability, I sorta feel like no one deserves this break more than I. Three g’s would have gone a long way this year and would have totally validated my experience as I bust my ASS trying to do full time everything: work, school, family, and community. Once again I feel that aching sense that all of it is not enough. A lingering feeling that I admit is my personal hang up.
While my relationship to my faith has prepared me enough to realize that I am not defined by others’ validation, I am still human and as such am totally imperfect. This kinda shook me, which is now going to send me to sleep angry and questioning shit I know I should be confident about.
Vanessa
July 28, 2008
hi ms. mama!
i hope you are doing well! i’m writing to ask you for some of your sage advice. i got a random message from J P (former L A Cou nty Gra nts M gr) on friday asking if I might be interested in the newly posted Mgr of Govt and Found ation Relatio ns for the ham mer mus eum.
At first it sounds exciting and tempting, but then I started doing research and realized how far this is from where i was in the arts community. I decided that I’d ask for some valuable opinions of the stars in my constellation.
While I consider myself a longshot for this position (my experience in development is FAAAAR below what I think they’re looking for), I am interested enough to submit a serious bid.
I”m wondering if I’m a mismatch considering that I don’t have any institution level work experience. I’m also wondering if my background in community arts would hinder me in this position. Finally, i’m wondering if there are any key issues, terms or ideas I should consider when making my argument that I’m a good and qualified candidate. Any tips or pointers?
Vanessa
