Letters to the universe

For some strange reason you have found the most curious moments to send me messages about the cyclical nature of it all.

From revisiting the worlds and spirits I used to be a part of by way of soundtracks, old friends, and bizarre moments of re-remembering lost lessons.  To those obscure sensations: scents, the way the sun so hits the glare of clouds, the feeling of that summer right before junior high.

I wonder to myself on my trips back and forth to work what this all means and why it is coming at this moment.  Thinking about the possibilities of dreams coming to fruition, self-consciousness shed like old skin, dust to the whirls of the globe spinning on its axis.  Or maybe, the revisiting of failure through the puffing of false ego and a reality based on borrowed time.

And yet its all so new.  New faces and stories blended with the unsure footing of unrecognized territory, roles I never wore before, and intention I haven’t quite learned to master.

All this vague-ry to remind me to stay on task, i suppose.  Minutia as little ribbons to mark the right path. In any case, thank you.  I appreciate it and hope I do justice with this time you’ve given me.

Nessa

Yesterday I had the rare opportunity to spend the day with my children during the week.  Malcolm had been sick and I decided to make sure I could monitor him and the medications he had to take.  After their nap we all got dressed to go to the park.  We packed the sand toys, got food, scoped out a few locations for the optimum shade quotient.  Daddy even got home in time to join us.

It so happened that we ended up at Warner Center Park, one that we have passed many many times previous.  Malcolm and Kaya were happily walking towards the enclosed playground and we were looking forward to having a pleasant afternoon, since it was Malcolm’s Birthday as well.

At first, the one other woman who was there with two little brown boys and her hired help seemed to want to keep their distance.  Which I didn’t pay mind to, cuz well, whatever with your stank kids anyway.  So when the grandparents and their little bike ridin’ tike and the two women with a gaggle of little boys came in, I was relatively nonchalant.  I mean, as a veteran park mom I knew not everyone is friend material.  YOu see the clues that parents may not want to deal with kids, managing their child’s engagements.  But when I caught myself for the 5th time saying, “Malcolm, come over here. They don’t want to play with you.” I started to feel that maybe this isn’t just some base assumption I”m making.

My son is 3 years old, a spirited boy who loves to make friends.  He is also a beautiful biracial baby of  African American and Filipino American descent.  He’s well dressed, has plenty of cool toys, and has the cutest sister on the block.  So when he started to follow little boys around asking to play, and they and their nasty handlers either ignored him or made comments like “careful with your toys son, they might get stolen.” or “please take your toys over there because we’ve got plenty to play with already”  … well, it becomes kind of hard not to jump to conclusions.

Dear white people of warner center, when you take your children to the park and you make no efforts whatsoever to be inclusionary to the one little black boy on the playground, I hope you wonder what kind of statement you are making.

Instead of making a point to people I care nothing about .. with my sick kid in tow.. at that very moment, I decided it was time for us to leave the park and try to salvage whatever time we had left.  Now I’m here trying to figure out what i need to teach my son about moments when he is denied the opportunity to engage.

Fortunately I have some very amazing friends and family that remind us of how loved we are and we are grateful every day.

Good morning graduates of Filipino heritage. My name is Van essa Ve la Love lace, and I am a community builder.

Edelysse, Mark, Allan, the graduating class, friends and family: Thank you for inviting me here today. I am extremely honored to be here and am humbled by this experience. I sincerely, seriously hope that what I have to say is a contribution to your celebration.

Disclaimers out of the way, first, I just want to give you a warning that this is not going to be the most amazing and magical talk. And if that’s what you need, I suggest you look up Professor Ra ndy Pau sch, (the Oprah professor), because there’s nothing I could say that would be as inspirational as that. For the sake of transparency, Please be forewarned that my m.o. is to be kinda blunt so if I get lost I may slip in a few “inappropriate” phrases. Otherwise, I promise to be on my best behavior.

With that said, I was kind of torn about doing this because I’m not a celebrity, and I consider my accomplishments rather minimal in the great grand scheme of things. I had a really hard time trying to figure out what to say. I could not definitively speak to you as an expert in anything but my own story.

In fact, you are doing me a huge favor by listening to my missive in honor of all that has converged in my life. I feel as if the universe conspired to make this story. When doors opened, all I did was walk through, I had no great calling and still feel like I don’t know where I’m really going.

What I have to offer is a few lessons I learned in my journey, as someone who stood where you are now: A CS UN FA SA alum and a young person trying to make sense of things.

This is homage to the Utang Na Loob, or the debt I owe to everyone and everything who contributed to what I know, what I’ve been fortunate enough to do, and where I hope to be going. And I can only hope that my slice of life can possibly be useful to your future selves.

I was 5 when I came to Los Angeles with my family in 1983. As an immigrant, it is difficult to tell my family’s story without wanting to pretend that our experiences were normal. On the surface, my parents worked hard to give us comforts they never had. However, underlying their hard work ethic was an immigrant experience of struggles to survive and make sense of a new culture. By the time I turned 11 I was determined to seek out bigger challenges and set higher standards that would prepare me for college and a better life. I was initiated into community work in high school and was one of the top academic students, leading organizations and doing volunteer work. It was not just something I did, it was part of my values and my foundation, it constituted my direction in life.

But I could not go to school because I was undoc umented, T NT, like many in our community. Proposition 187 and 209 made it illegal for me not only to go to school, but said that I would be a felon for living with my family. There is no pretty way to talk about the level of fear, anger, and frustration that fueled me. I was driven by the feeling that I would be deported for things that everyone else took for granted, as if trying to buy cigarettes with an expired id would make me lose everyone that was dear to me. Being undocumented ruled my outlook and my life and I responded to the world defensively. I was exhausted and lost a few years to depression and destructive behavior. Ultimately, I had to make a choice about whether I would live my life in fear, anger and negativity, or if I would step into the light. With some reflection I realized that I wanted to find a home, a community of people who cared about me and simple sense of support with the weight of the fear.

So I started and my first step was learning about my culture. I’m not sure you would remember, but in 1995 AOL was the only game in town and the connection was only as fast as 28 or 56k. Remember the sounds of the modem?! The lifetimes lost waiting for the clicks and pings. Anyway, no need to stress the point. But it was difficult to find the slightest scraps of Filipino culture back then. One of the few bright spots was learning about CSU N FAS A, Baybayin – the Filipino script, and a revolving set of Filipinos who trolled the member rooms: pinoypinay and filipinopride.

I came to FAS A in 1996 and jumped right in as part of the first Students for Pilipino American History Month committee. I sat in on one of the first Filipino American Experience classes and helped to urge for the adoption of Asian American Studies at CSU N. (By the way this was way back when Professor Aqu ino was just Lan-Lan with hair down to his booty.) From Tian emen in Chi na, the An ti-ma rtial law movement in the Philipp ines, and the free speech and civil rights movements right here, I learned that students have historically carried the change of civilizations on their backs. Extrapolating that, I started to consider that I might possibly have power and influence on the world.

I was a FA SA board member under the administrations of Ang elo Balm aceda, Moo nie Lan tion and La nce D ougherty. I held the positions of Community Chair and PCN Co-director and playwright in 1997 when FASA was the first student organization to address homophobia in the Filipino Community. I danced in 3 PCNs, cheered at NIT, Friendship games, and Sportsfest. Lance and I produced the first Pilipino Graduation for the class of ‘98. Oh, and I shall not forget, good old FASA family fun… via LRJ & BADA houses, eating cigarette ashes from day old fries in the dark, taking road trips to Stockton or Vegas, sitting up in someone’s porch smoking and drinking way too much. Until then I had never gotten that close with people. The friendships and conversations I was lucky to experience fundamentally altered how I saw the world. Through this I realized that I could be good at the books, but that there was so much to learn from others that could never be encapsulated in print.

While I spent many a day on campus waiting in the student union for our meetings or at the Asian House planning for campus domination, no one knew that I was NOT a CS UN student. I was part of it because I needed the community to make me feel whole. I was just along for the ride, I kept trying new things, making new connections, and building with people for what felt like a greater purpose – a support system, a family, a home, a space to explore and understand how things in the world are. The work I did with FA SA was crucial to my path in becoming a professional Filipino.

This is when I started to write a lot of poetry. (mostly not very good poetry) Luckily, I was fortunate to have met some very AMAZING PEOPLE who inspired this creative energy (again, the big brooding poet Al lan G. Aqu ino, professor Em ily Lawsi n, Ire ne Su ico Soria no, Alis on de la C ruz, Wend ell Pasc ual, Da wn Ma balon, Unc le Roy al Mo rales). In fact, it was Allan who would take me to so many book and poetry readings. He singlehandedly opened me up to a whole new world.

I produced poetry and art events to encourage young people to express their stories in a positive outlet. I found that art could save lives, because it saved mine. In the exchange and discourse of performance, a new paradigm and culture is created that challenges the status quo: that we should be disconnected and hyper-individual which is a barrier to creating common ground. For me, art is political and an influential tool in affecting social change.

Through Irene’s urging, I started co-curating the spoken word portion of the Fest ival of Philip pine Ar ts & Cu lture, that Filipi no festival in san pedro (hella far!). The festival was the first time I saw how different Filipinos were and how there was space for every manifestation of us. One year led to two, and before you knew it I had invested 7 years in various positions. Because the Fe stival was a microcosm, a tiny universe, that encapsulates the dialogue surrounding empowerment, equity, social construction and multiculturalism. I had the opportunity to eventually direct the Festival’s entire performance program of 75 acts over two days on two stages to an audience of 25,000.

In 2003, the Festival lost its primary source of funding when the Califo rnia Arts Coun cil was defunded. I took up the business and marketing responsibilities and found ways to mitigate this loss with earned income. My turning point happened last year when funding was so bad that I had to cut my maternity leave from six weeks to 3 in order to come back and make the money needed to keep the Festival alive. While the rising heat of fundraising was stressful, it was an amazing experience to know that my choices and input would affect so many people I would never have imagined I could.

My time at FilA M AR TS will forever be connected to everything that has made me who I am. I was challenged to take different roles that stretched my comfort zone and exponentially impacted my learning. I was exposed to people who wouldn’t let me get away with a half-assed effort and who wanted me to excel and grow.

But even greater than the work I was lucky to be able to do, was feeling like everything I’ve been through has prepared me for even greater things. My proudest accomplishment SO FAR in my very short life is the amount of growth that I experienced in relation to the challenges. Learning that it is in the ambiguity that exists between the challenge and a solution that learning, growth, and leadership occur.

I am blessed to have married and started a family with one of my greatest supporters, my partner fo’ life Jason, and we have two little spuds: M alcolm Ern esto who is 3 and Kay a Sim one who is 1. Raising my own family has been the greatest learning curve. Before them, I had a lot of time to spare for impromptu meetings and great grand plans. However, the urgency of making sure my time is spent in the most effective way possible has added a new degree of difficulty.

I had no idea that there was so much more to learn about how to affect real and sustainable change. After the kids, it became imperative for me to finish my degree and reconsider my life’s goals.

Professionally, it was time to explore how else I could be useful in pushing for social change and was fortunate to find a position that is the perfect convergence of my past experiences and future goals. I am currently a Program Manager for the nationally renowned Pub lic Al lies L os Ang eles (PAL A) program; I am responsible for recruiting, managing and coaching emerging young adult leaders and building networks with partner organizations who share in our vision of social change. Through Pu blic All ies’ affiliate partner, Comm unity Deve lopment Techno logies (CDTec h), I am assisting the creation of a leadership development and nonprofit careers curriculum for 9th grade students in Sant ee H.S., located in one of the most underserved areas in Los Angeles.

I am returning to school after 6 years of direct, on the job learning, attending the Pub lic Sec tor Mana gement program at the Tse ng Co llege of CS UN Ex tension. Right now, I am a full time student, with a full time job and a full time family. After I complete the PS M program, I eventually plan to get involved in the field of community economic development and continue on to a graduate degree in Urban Planning.

Having committed to the nonprofit sector early on, I learned that becoming a community leader takes much more than being able to accomplish a goal, it requires striving for personal mastery, being committed to honest self-reflection and constantly building relationships with others who can guide you back to the truth.

All of this I share with you is not to convince you of some shallow greatness on my part. In all honesty, I feel like my kids are more memorable than I. My goal this morning is to reflect the greatness that began right here, at CSU N. So what did I come here to really say to you, dear graduates? I’m here with a message from all that converged here before you did:

You are a treasure because you are a part of all that has come before you and you carry the gift of those intentions. This is Ut ang Na Loob: the obligation from deep inside that motivates you to fight for what is positive, and right. Whether you know it or not, you are an asset and you have something to share with others.

There is a Tagalog phrase that represents Filipino spirituality: Maka – Diyos, Maka – tao, Maka – bayan. (love for god, love for each other, love for our country). Culturally, this is why filipinos are community builders, WE ARE CONNECTED AND WHAT HAPPENS TO ONE HAPPENS TO ALL OF US. often there are others beyond our blood who also become family and nothing is more important than family. We owe it to each other to stay commited to our relations especially when it is difficult, or just plain stupid drama. You don’t walk away when you are committed, you do whatever it takes to stay on track. And when you get tired, you go to those who love you to remind you of who you used to be. Why you used to do it. And why you must keep going.

My other ulterior motive is to remind you of what still needs to be done and to urge you to get involved and get connected with each other. You don’t need to have a title or a formal role to make a difference, you can do it everyday as you interact and challenge each other to grow. The Arts taught me that you create the world you want each time you engage with someone.

As you walk across this stage this morning to signify the ending and renewal of a time in your life, keep in mind this quote from the author, Arundh ati Roy: “The trouble is that once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And once you’ve seen it, keeping quiet, saying nothing, becomes as political an act as speaking out. There is no innocence. Either way, you’re accountable.”

I am of the opinion that there are many who are blinded by comfort and ease of our privilege. That people are deafened by the low, buzzing hum of the inundation of information of everything around the world. We have cable, and homes, and air conditioning, car notes, credit cards, student loans, a closet full of clothes we don’t really want, hella expensive sunglasses and watches and shoelaces. Comforts that tell us that how good we are and that everyone else should be just like us. Yet the time we spend obsessing over these material things also cuts away the mental space we no longer have to care about all that is wrong in the world.

The earthquakes and 50,000 dead in Sic huan, china. The hurricane and 78,000 in Myanmar. The annihilation of innocent Tibetans. Haitians, Filipinos, Peruvians who will not have access to rice because of rising food costs. Homelessness in Los Angeles. California’s prison industrial system is the largest in the world, but the proposed cuts to education will put the state 51^st in the country for student spending. War. Immigration. Racism. Suffering.

This is not to depress you, but to remind you why you must keep your eyes and hearts open. You are still needed.

And you can do something.

And like me, you don’t even have to know what you want to do, or how to do it. You just have to be open and listen to what the universe, the ancestors, those who came before you say.

Why I am honored to be here? Because in being invited to share my thoughts, you’ve given me a vote of confidence that I’ve been on the right track as well. I too am experiencing this day in parallel to you: almost 13 years ago I came to CSU N looking for a home, a community, a support system, and today I am affirming it. And now I’m rushing away to go back to class so that I can finally graduate too. Thank you!

[a first draft...]

Thank you for inviting me to speak at your ceremonies this year. Um, part of me is supremely offended that you invited me to keynote at the gra duation. I”m no Americ an Id ol, I have no millions of dollars, and I don’t have some amazing magic trick. What I suppose I can offer is some of the truth I’ve found and hope it inspires you for greatness. So, Why am I here. Basically, to inspire you to want more. That whoever you may think you are now, will change as dramatically as how W WE characters switch sides… That whoever you may possibly dream of being is not just possible, its just around the corner. And no, I don’t have magic pixie dust to make it happen. But I do have faith that you do.

I suppose I should tell you a little about who I am. I am a FAS A Alum from the class of 1996 – 98. I was part of the first SP AHM committee, attended one of the first Fil ipino American Experience classes and helped to urge for the adoption of Asia n American Studies at CS UN. (By the way this was way back when Professor Aqui no was just Lan-Lan.) I held the positions of Comm unity Chair and PC N Co-director and playwrite in 1997 when FAS A was the first student organization to address homophobia in the Filipi no Co mmunity. I danced in 3 PC Ns, cheered at N IT, Fr iendship games, and Sportsfest. And at the behest of my then boyfriend, I helped to plan the first Pil ipino Graduation. Oh, and I shall not forget, I also learned how to live and have fun… via LRJ & BADA houses, eating cigarette ashes from day old fries in the dark, taking road trips to stockton or vegas, sitting up in someone’s porch smoking and drinking way too much. anyway, i’m one of the old folks… one of those people who fade into the shadows a few years after i pass through. one of those people who you don’t know when you see me at the mall wit hmy kids. one of those folks you swear you never think you’re connected to.

Atleast, That is what I thought about the alumni when i was you.. but i digress… how are we all connected…

So while i spent many a day on campus waiting in the student union for our meetings on thursdays, no one knew that i wasn’t a CSU N student. [why... whats the point...]

As an immigrant, it is difficult to tell my family’s story without wanting to pretend that our experiences were normal. On the surface, my parents worked hard, raised 5 children, went to church, and lived in neighborhoods that valued families and hard work. However, a little beneath that was an immigrant experience of struggles to survive and make sense of a new culture. For a few members of my family, the feeling of inadequacy and stress led to substance abuse that created an unbearable living situation for everyone in the household. By the time I turned 11 I knew that I wanted to go away to college. I was determined to seek out bigger challenges and set harder standards that would prepare me for a better life. By the time I graduated from high school, I was one of the top academic students, leading cultural, civic and public service organizations and making an impact in the community through volunteer work. While I was one of three students who were invited to speak during graduation, I was not one of the students who would be attending college in the fall because I was undocu mented.

[UTA NG NA LO OB = COMMU NITY SERVICE, FEAR = IMMIGR ATION = awanting to find a home = learning about my culture = trying to figure out what i can do with my culture = making social change, LOVE = HOPE, LEADERSHIP = EVERYONE LEADS, THE MA Y DAY MARCH] lessons

saw the blossoming of the Filipin o commun ity= 7 YEARS WITH FPAC understanding my power and what i can change in the world

building coalitions with people dive rsity inclusi on

commitment

continous lea rning and striving for
personal mastery eth ics and

what can you do… why should you do it. how we are so supremely connected it hurts… why your joy is mine… why their pain is mine… why i feel like i have to do something about it. why i feel you can do something about it.  why i gotta go so i can finally graduate… etc etc. and some funny stuff in between.