Letters to the universe

Over the course of my 3 decades I’ve had many opportunities to write you a summation of my feelings for you, so I suppose this won’t be one of those times.

What I am writing about is this: if you would put aside your silly pride and trusted me to help, you’d realize that it wouldn’t be so hard.

I spent the majority of my time here pondering your intentions and actions and now realize how extremely flawed we all are.  How amazingly imperfect you are in the full light of time and maturity.  How you’ve spent the majority of your time here reacting to externalities that refused your agency and volition.  How you are simply the sum of varying degrees of pain, disappointment, and mistakes.

Sitting where I sit now, finally where my desire to help is matched by my capacity, at the age you once were when you birthed your 4th of 5, I get that you aren’t so much the everything i thought you to be.  Flawed as you are, and not quite matching up with all those things they said parents should be.  I was wrong and I’m sorry.

All that being said, I worry about the both of you…  not only because i wish you would be in a position to live the kind of lives you should be living… you know, the kind where you get to dream, make a plan, and it happens.  but because i am selfishly worried that i might not be in ap osition to help you when you finally really need my help.  For all intents and purposes, i have no delusions that you will not depend on us in your sunset years.  Especially if you already exhibit the wear and tear of said years in your early 50’s.  Hard living isn’t what it used to be.

Anyway, back to my point.  Yeah, you’re not superman…  and neither am i.  So can we please sit down and talk about the big fat fucking elephant in the room?  Especially now while we have the time, short as it may be, and while conditions make it so. Let me help you figure this out.  I’m not just your kid anymore, I’m a grown woman who is trained to help in exactly this situation.  You can trust that if I don’t have the answers I know where to find them because making sure you’re well is important for all of us and is my responsibility too.

love,

bunny

it is fucked up that you gave up on yourself so long ago.  as much as we all would have wished t ohave shaken you out of it, you refused and continued on perpetuating the cycle of poverty and bullshit from which you came.

not for lack of trying, but really, this is your fault.  We’ve given you fair warning and plenty … some would say, more than your fair share of… chances.  But yet, yo ucome with bullshit.  You insist on making a mockery of our time and effort.  And for that, good riddance.

I could sit and mourn and think of ways to have you included in the program, but you haven’t given me a fraction of a chance or reason t oadvocate on your behalf, and that is TELLING.

anyway, good luck in all your future endeavors.  Stop fucking shit up for yourself.

V

jesus.   that’s probably who you think you are.

through the 3 different meetings i was in with you, i must have seen you a total of 75% of my day.  And perhaps 85% of that time you were posturing, or politicking, or concocting some massive explanation of shit we already know.

who does that? better question is, how the fuck did you develop the entitlement necessary to waste other peoples’ time in such a way?

sigh.  i guess i’m not mad at you.  you’re a good dude.  you mean hella well.  you are just so super confused about what it is you are actually asking for.

For a professor in comm unity , proje ct, and pro gram pla nning, you for sure don’t seem to understand how to explain to others where exactly we’re at in the process.

for a plann er you sure are disorganized with your thoughts and processes. cuz i’m more confused after coming out of our meetings than anything else.

and don’t get me started on what it sounds like listening to you and m.w. go back and forth, tossing huge tarballs of wordiness back and forth  with no one understanding what the game is.

someone should tell you how confusing you make shit to be.

g’nite

v

So now that we’re closing out and i’ve already finished our latest coa ching session, i just have to be completely honest and tell you what i really think about you.

first of all, you are definitely a good person at heart. you are definitely sincere in your concern for others and your desire to build community with the people around you. you mean very well and you get five points for that. you are also really good at committing yourself to projects and accomplishing them to the best of your capabilities. you strive for mastery and urge others towards the same standards.

however i feel you are definitely challenged in a few places. Your inability to address conflict face on is a serious challenge. While you are comfortable standing up for a global injustice, you seem to be very uncomfortable dealing with personal conflicts. You may not understand how your assumptions and behavior could be difficult for others. And when you are challenged about them, it seems that avoiding negative feelings trumps resolving its causes. In this way, I would urge you to consider how your behavior could possibly perpetuate oppression and injustice.

While I apologize for thinking all of those negative things about you previously, I understand that not all white people could possible get it all the time. And as white people go, you’re not so bad.  Especially now that you will go away for good and I don’t have to force myself to talk to you.

v

As minions go, you’re not so bad. Unfortunately you often make yourself believe the drivel that comes out of your mouth. Which gives you opportunities to make the case about why you are such an herb over and over again.

Its quite sad how your lack of center has somehow twisted your idea of how to be, constantly asking for validation like a tiny dog left alone in the backyard with no friends.

We had a conversation about this idea of safety and where we are in this world. We talked about how inauthentic you were being to your past experiences. Especially, how you can’t just keep trying on new identities like another pair of shoes …

anyway, stank you very much for a bullshit review. You’re wack.

V