ok, i’m going to be blunt – cuz, well, obviously, no one has had the guts to tell you to your face. i think you’re crazy.
you’re so crazy that you have blasted yourself into your own little liliputian world of perfection. how that lines up with reality, i don’t know if i will ever understand. i suppose its official, if you haven’t already put me on that ‘list’ i’m putting myself on it.
you have no idea how much defending you need. especially because you’re so crazy. somehow the things that occur in real time gets mangled when it hits your ear canals. and by the time it finds life in your head, the thing we talked about becomes some fantastical plot that someone else has waged against you and the life you are so carefully crafting. funny how everyone else called it and i sat there like a sap wondering how i can make you seem any less batty than you truly are. i guess you had me fooled too.
i guess i’m really just angry because i care. because i HAD valued you. ok, honestly, mostly i valued him. because, like it or not, he was an amazing spirit at one point. but at this point, his inaction commits him as an accomplice to your actions. and well, i guess he has to live with you. so he should. and since you don’t seem to be going away, i guess he always will.
ok, so all initial words of anger aside. since i suppose you may never ever read this. or if you do, you may not know its about you. or if you do, and you consider for a fleeting moment that it could be about you. .. i’m really upset. not because i know how to denigrate you… cuz well, thats not too hard to do since i had to defend you against all those attacks you didn’t even know about.
i’m upset because it seems like i was that easy for you to set aside. someone who didn’t quite fit within the lines. here i was thinking i was family, as you were with mine. an ally, loyal to the end. cuz thats how i do. so i suppose, i’m just hurt. cuz i wouldn’t do that to you. i would atleast tell you what the hell was up. but now i’m just part of that list.. that list, long with names of folks you once considered friends, possibly family. everyone who threw you a gauntlet that just got in the way.
you know, in the deepest of deeps, that is the ultimate insult. you reneg’ed your commitment to work it out, as real friends do. atleast the friends who consider each other family. cuz well, you can’t get rid of your family. you work it out, cuz they’ll never go away. or you pretend it isn’t there, even though you know damn well…
anyway, i don’t hate you. i guess you are dealing with a lot. i couldn’t imagine some of the things you may be going through . i know i’m an asshole. i know i should be more careful of what i say. i’m fully aware of how fucked up i am sometimes. but i thought that you at the very least, most base of moments, you knew my intentions were golden. and even if they bothered you, you would at least give me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. such as broken muscle grows newer more resilient tissue. we’re supposed to have conflicts that make us stronger, not tear us away.
ok, if i was to truly be honest and not hide behind the veil of contempt i’ve woven against you, i’m basically just sad. a simple feeling that fully enwraps this feeling when i drive past your exit or am reminded of something done or said or shared. i hope somehow this does get to you. that you somehow find my words and are able to see beyond the mist of my emotions and get through to the honest and raw. i miss you, and him, and her. my kids miss you guys too. and after all the bullshit.. it hurts me to break yet another bond. cuz i don’t make too many of them. and definitely don’t take them in vain.
love,
v
